Day 11: Update Finally!

Okay I know I have been slacking for the last five days to update, but I don't know what to type about half the time. I've been working out and eating right. But last night I failed miserably, I ended up eating 4 pieces of pizza....  my 4th and last piece I ate at like 12 o'clock in the AM. I can't beat myself up over it though, set backs will happen, but I have to accept them and move on.

I didn't update about last weeks doctor appointment, she ended up prescribing me this weight loss pill called Phentermine. I wanted to go the healthy way of losing the weight with a supplement. And not just go out and buy some random weight loss pill that I really knew nothing about and how it would effect ME.  


She ran a bunch of lab work and checked my thyroid, and everything. Turns out I may have a thyroid problem that may be keeping me from losing the weight. My next doctor appoint is in February, we will then see if I need a stronger dose and what my blood works looks like then as well. 




I know I don't want to lose the weight super fast and it had been over a course of 11 days now. So I'm guess this is a good start, so it really hasn't been just 4 days but it wasn't until recently I began to see a difference in my weight on the scale. So now I have a new recorded chart for my weight and pictures as well! 

Current weight as of Jan. 18, 2011 is 169.5

Even though posting pictures of my weight really does embarrass me, it's only to fuel me more about losing this weight for good and keeping it off. Before I ever started having babies, I was always pretty fit, I was very active, and though sometimes my weight did vary, I still managed to stay pretty small. 


It's like having babies and all the added stress just makes it 100 times more harder to actually lose the weight. I am also a stress eater, and then again I also eat when I'm bored. All of those habits are horrible, but I'm lucky that I can actually stop and remind myself, that instead of grabbing some unhealthy over-processed foods, instead opt for fruits and veggies.


I even made a less fattening dressing that I can put on my salads, chicken, and fish, as well as some meat. It doesn't have salt or sugars in it that normal dressings do. I'm feel a lot better about myself, I'm getting up earlier, I feel energized, and people are even making remarks about how much more happier I am. 

Day 5:

I really am sick of this snow! But we did get into it though, Jeff and I both played in it. I actually had a lot of fun today. And it opened my eyes a lot more too.



I cheated today for supper and had a spinach and feta cheese Stromboli... and I soo regret doing that.




Must pick this up another time.

Day 4

So I weighed myself today and I'm a little bit closer to 170! I lost 5 lbs in four days, which really has me excited! And I've talked to a few people and they have given me so much encouragement about this project.


I'm still working out, and trying to stay active throughout the day and not be sitting for so long. But yeah not much change in my diet or work out plan.

Day 3: Temptations and stuff.

I realize by the time I sit down at the end of the night, I've forgotten most of what I wanted to type about (ha yes, I do tend to talk to 'myself'). So I'm going to star writing things down to make it much easier! So it's day three and I'm already having temptations, lack of motivation, and feeling just down right blah!

But I am pushing through it, it also doesn't help that I feel so tired all the time either. I've been looking at finding myself a little 'pick-me-up' and also something to help curve my hunger and help me boost my fat burning lady power! ha ha ha lady power.. But I've been reading the reviews on this supplement pill:

From what I have seen on the reviews it's really good and a lot of people have had great results on it. I don't know about the whole 'magic pill' thing, but if it will possibly boost my energy then I am willing to try it. But I want to do all of my research first before I just go out and buy something I know nothing about.

Last night I even looked at gym memberships, and got a free three day pass to the NFC in Oak Ridge. But unfortunately enough it just so happened to snow like crazy during the night. We got about 6 inches maybe more. Which is wild! The last snow we had that was almost like this was the blizzard on '93.  I tried to take the kids out (which was an EPIC FAIL by the way) and it was past my one year olds knees! We didn't get to stay out too long because my DS started to get way too overwhelmed about all the snow. But at least I can say that I got out side today even if it were just a little while.

I ended up sleeping in this morning too. DD, DS, and I all got up giggling in bed and then started to get ready for the day. My breakfast this morning consisted of:

1. One medium bowl full of grapes
2. Two large glasses of water.

Lunch:

1. Chicken cooked in EVOO
2. A lettuce 'salad'
3. home made vinegar dressing for my salad and chicken
4. one banana

For dinner I ended up having another bowl full of grapes because I waited too long to eat. I've also set a rule for myself not to eat after 8 pm. I don't want to starve myself so I have been 'snacking' on grapes. Which now I'll hardly have any left for my breakfast in the morning

My homemade dressing was actually really yummy on my salad and chicken too! It was rice vinegar, garlic powder, and sesame seeds. I have no exact measurements for everything just fix it to taste really.

So many temptations already  now, specially when it comes to fixing my sons lunch and dinner and his breakfast. And all my facebookers are fixing snow cream and now I am craving it. But no, I WILL NOT cave!!

My partner and I ..well mainly I .. are talking about maybe going back to marriage counseling. I don't know why we stopped in the first place things were good for a while after DD was born. But now it has gone back to the way it was a year ago. Which wasn't a great place to be at all.

I don't want to sit here and blame him for everything, I mean I am just as responsible for the way I am now. But I am just so unhappy. Not just with him but also with myself. I have no self esteem any more, I don't love myself like I use to. but then again I hardly have time to love myself. I really need to start getting the kiddos on a better schedule along with myself.  Sometimes I don't feel like I am alive any more. I feel like I just exist and thats it. I keep seeing myself on the outside and I just want to shake myself and say "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU AAAAAARRRRGGG !!!!"  This really isn't me at all, and my hormones now seem to be such a wreck too.


I want to be able to feel alive again, I want to be able to enjoy my children and my life. So I've also decided that this spring or summer I would like to cross out a few things on my bucket list. I want to bungee jump and sky dive. I've always wanted to do it. But for some reason when it comes to doing things I am so anti doing things. I really need to start getting out a lot more. Being always cooped up in the house is killing me. I've also recruited my sister to go on Sunday hikes with me. If she comes with me or not is a different story, but I still would like to go on a Sunday hike.

I keep barking about the same things when it comes to my partner. I don't feel loved at all, and all I ask is for him to show a little more appreciation. I take care of our children night and day, he doesn't hardly have to lift a finger when it comes to them. I am giving them MY all and when he does come home all I want is him to replenish me. I feel like my soul is evaporating, and I want him to saturate me. Ran down on me with life, storm on me bring the tide! Something.... I need something more.

Day 2: Setting Goals.

Day two of my 356 project and i am already feeling motivated. I am excited about all the changes I am and will be making about my life and making sure I stay healthy and happy. I understand that sometimes I  will have set backs, I will and probably will most likely get frustrated, this isn't an instant process no matter how much I want it to. If I could snap my fingers be skinny and happier with myself I probably would have done it by now. But I can not.

One of the rules I am going to set for myself, I am no longer going to say the word 'can't'. I am going to completely throw it out of my vocabulary. I am going to turn all my negatives into positives. No more looking down upon myself. I am no longer going to 'wish' about things. I am going to DO things!

So today I sat myself down and set an ideal goal of what I would like to weigh by the end of this project. I am also going to post pictures of my progress (though as embarrassed as I am). This will force me to work even harder and to stay on track. I want to feel just as beautiful on the outside as I do on the inside.

Okay so here is my weight chart that I made today to track everything. It is pretty simple I just fill in what weight I have lost until I have reached my goal weight. I want to be at least 30 lbs lighter by June. But I have a total of 50 lbs that I AM going to lose!

Current weight 177 Jan. 9

In my opinion I have set a manageable goal. I have three hundred sixty-five days to get to this goal. Though I hope to get to it sooner. But I have to stay positive no matter what, and fight through this slump of not wanting to do anything. Of being stuck in the house, and hardly getting out in the open. It's not that I don't want to it just makes it hard to with two babies specially then they are so young. But really, no wonder why when I get sick I get really sick. I'm inside this small stuffy house all the time! NO MORE! I am over it.

I plan to get the babies and myself in bed by 10 o'clock tonight. And be up by 7 in the AM. Be showered and ready by 7:30 get the babes up get them breakfast and clothed and out the door by 8-8:30 and off to the park to walk. I want to walk around at least three times each morning. Somewhere in their nap time, get at least a 30 minute work out with the kettle bell. I've also talked to my partner about maybe getting a gym membership at Court South (which they also offer free child care). My cousin has one already and I would also like a partner to help me keep on track and focused. 

You Are Lovely.

Day 1: Realization.

I am not going to hold anything back. This blog is for me, and for me only. To help me on my journey to 'becoming lovely'.

It's hard for me to really start, maybe because of the lack of privacy. But in the end nothing is ever really private at all. I don't understand why things have to be so difficult. Specially when it comes to people and their emotions. My emotions lately. I don't understand why I can't just be satisfied with the things that are in front of me. I am drained, emotionally and physically. I'm not sure where it was that I lost myself amongst the chaos. Maybe it was the horrible car accident? Maybe finding out that I had to put my dream of traveling more and always being on the road on hold? Maybe because of a three year up and down relationship has finally taken its tole on me? Maybe it is was where I watched my mother die right in front of me? There is so much more than I ever let on.

Being a mother. has changed a lot about who I am. I play the mother and the father. The loving, kind, soft mother, and the hard disciplinary father. My "partner" works all day.. or so he says. So it's up to me day AND night to do everything that involves them. I get no breaks, not even a thank you from my partner. Doesn't seem fair does it? No not at all.

Sometimes I wonder how it would to be,being one of those 'hot moms' that ALWAYS have their faces painted on and not a hair out of place in the midst of 4+ children. But that isn't real at all. Only to the riches and their nannies. But me, I am the Nannie, the mother, AND the father. I put my ALL into my children and at the end of the day I having nothing left for me. Nothing to help me feel better as a person. I always have my doubts now. Constantly asking myself "is this is okay?" or "am I doing this right?", but sometimes I don't even know. I strive to be the best mother I can be. Maybe sometimes I even strive to be a little 'too' perfect. If there ever is such a thing.

So I've decided to be just a little selfish. I am going to get back to me. A little bit at a time. I do have three hundred and sixty-five days to do so. I think that will give me enough time to try to figure things out.  

But this is my realization. It's over. I am a single mother of two very beautiful children. 

You Are Lovely.

Introduction.

This is my 365 days project of to finding lovely. I want to take everything that is negative and turn it around to a positive. By the end of this project I plan to be a healthier, happier, and hopefully 40 lbs lighter. As a young 21 year old mother of two babies who were born back to back (12 months apart), not to mention losing my mother and watching her die has really taken a tole on me. I lost myself in the mists of all the chaos, this is my attempt to get back to the light-hearted, friendly, confident, loving person I use to be... So here it is.

You are lovely.