It's hard for me to really start, maybe because of the lack of privacy. But in the end nothing is ever really private at all. I don't understand why things have to be so difficult. Specially when it comes to people and their emotions. My emotions lately. I don't understand why I can't just be satisfied with the things that are in front of me. I am drained, emotionally and physically. I'm not sure where it was that I lost myself amongst the chaos. Maybe it was the horrible car accident? Maybe finding out that I had to put my dream of traveling more and always being on the road on hold? Maybe because of a three year up and down relationship has finally taken its tole on me? Maybe it is was where I watched my mother die right in front of me? There is so much more than I ever let on.
Being a mother. has changed a lot about who I am. I play the mother and the father. The loving, kind, soft mother, and the hard disciplinary father. My "partner" works all day.. or so he says. So it's up to me day AND night to do everything that involves them. I get no breaks, not even a thank you from my partner. Doesn't seem fair does it? No not at all.
Sometimes I wonder how it would to be,being one of those 'hot moms' that ALWAYS have their faces painted on and not a hair out of place in the midst of 4+ children. But that isn't real at all. Only to the riches and their nannies. But me, I am the Nannie, the mother, AND the father. I put my ALL into my children and at the end of the day I having nothing left for me. Nothing to help me feel better as a person. I always have my doubts now. Constantly asking myself "is this is okay?" or "am I doing this right?", but sometimes I don't even know. I strive to be the best mother I can be. Maybe sometimes I even strive to be a little 'too' perfect. If there ever is such a thing.
Sometimes I wonder how it would to be,being one of those 'hot moms' that ALWAYS have their faces painted on and not a hair out of place in the midst of 4+ children. But that isn't real at all. Only to the riches and their nannies. But me, I am the Nannie, the mother, AND the father. I put my ALL into my children and at the end of the day I having nothing left for me. Nothing to help me feel better as a person. I always have my doubts now. Constantly asking myself "is this is okay?" or "am I doing this right?", but sometimes I don't even know. I strive to be the best mother I can be. Maybe sometimes I even strive to be a little 'too' perfect. If there ever is such a thing.
So I've decided to be just a little selfish. I am going to get back to me. A little bit at a time. I do have three hundred and sixty-five days to do so. I think that will give me enough time to try to figure things out.
But this is my realization. It's over. I am a single mother of two very beautiful children.
You Are Lovely.
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